


Dempsey's Ideal Girl

by UglyTurnip



Category: COD zombies, Call of Duty (Video Games), Call of Duty Zombies
Genre: Anime, Gen, Humor, Humorous Ending, Inappropriate Humor, Kino Der Toten, Kino Der Toten Map, Sexual Humor, Teasing, bodypillow, crackfic, ideal gf, thundergun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27039166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UglyTurnip/pseuds/UglyTurnip
Summary: One day in Kino Der Toten, Dempsey brings up replacing Richtofen with a hot chick, leading Richtofen to torment Dempsey in a far more awkward way than most of his victims experience. This isn't a pairing story, just a crackfic that was inspired by a game of Kino where I was Dempsey and the Richtofen player kept teleporting with me to Pack-a-Punch.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Dempsey's Ideal Girl

"Hey Doc!" Dempsey called out as he climbed the stairs onto the stage. Richtofen tilted his head to face Dempsey and dropped the headless crawler that he had been playing with. It had been the last zombie of the round, but Richtofen had perhaps been a little too 'adventurous' in his babysitting. "I'm gonna hit the teleporter to Pack-a-Punch. I think I have enough points to upgrade my wonder waffle," he explained, gesturing with his head to his Thundergun.

"Oh, do you now, Dempshey?" Richtofen questioned in his typical 'disturbingly playful' tone. Stepping over to his frenemy, he clasped Tank on the back, which was a severe violation of personal space as far as Dempsey was concerned. "Do you mind if I come up with you? I would like to make **SHTUMPIES**!"

Dempsey raised an eyebrow, but ultimately shrugged. As much as he disliked, no, hated Richtofen, there was probably no harm in bringing him to Pack-a-Punch. . . right?

As fascinated with gore as Richtofen was, nothing was certain. Nevertheless, Dempsey did not change his mind. He did, after all, possess the Thundergun. "Eh, sure. Why not?"

Richtofen clapped his hands and hopped on one knee like a joyful schoolgirl. "Oh goodie! I always love watching that machine do its thing."

"Whatever," Dempsey grumbled, then walked into the teleporter. If they didn't get going soon, the next round of gutterslugs would be on them in no time at all. Thankfully, Richtofen seemed to catch on and practically skipped into the teleporter. Dempsey pressed a button on the teleporter wall, and the two were shrouded in electricity just as the first zombies of the new round began jumping out of the windows.

In a flash, they were up in the projector room. Taking out his Thundergun, Dempsey quickly fit it into the machine. Pack-a-Punching was much safer here than it was back in Der Riese, but it was also far more boring. To pass the idle seconds, Dempsey did something he hadn't done a lot of since this whole apocalyptic mess began: He thought. Turning to his companion, he watched as Richtofen lobbed frag after frag, presumably at a horde of zombies that were clustered just down below. As they exploded, Richtofen erupted into a giggling fit. That only made Dempsey feel more uncomfortable. He really wished Nikolai or Takeo had come along with them, but both of them were gone on their scavenging hunt. Takeo was out searching for food in the nearby avenues of Berlin, and it didn't take a genius to guess what Nikolai was on the prowl for.

"You know what, Richtofen?" Dempsey questioned rhetorically. "I wish we could replace you with a hot chick or something. That would make things a whole lot more interesting around here, you know?"

Surprisingly, Richtofen was not offended. On the contrary: He seemed to take some pleasure in hearing the declaration, enough to ignore the squirming crawlers down below. "Oh really now, Dempshey? You know, I am a doctor. Perhaps **I** can become the hot chick that you speak of!"

Dempsey eyes widened, and he was overcome with a wave of shock so powerful that he almost forgot to pick up his new Zeus Cannon from the machine. Just before it was lost forever to the unknown recesses, Dempsey plucked it back up. "Doc, that is **not what I had in mind!** "

Richtofen waved his free hand dismissively as the other clutched an unpinned frag. "Don't be so upshet, American! Even if I was a girl, I'd shtill find you too ugly to bone."

"I do the boning around here, doc!" Dempsey asserted. His brow furrowed, then he grumbled and looked away. Blurting that out to another man had just made the situation far more awkward. "Look, forget I said anything, OK?"

"Awww, but I can't do _that_ ," Richtofen complained. "Annoying you is so much more fun than making crawlers."

"I really hope this teleporter takes us down soo-"

"Hush, Dempshey!" Richtofen commanded. "Or I will not revive you next time you go down!"

He sounded serious, which was enough to keep Dempsey quiet. "Fine."

Richtofen smiled sadistically, seating himself on the edge of the room's windowsill. "Now then, what kind of girls do you like, Dempshey?"

"Ones that aren't crazy perverted maggot-addict creators, that's for sure," Dempsey answered truthfully. "Also, ones without dicks."

Richtofen gasped in mock woundedness. "Oh, Dempshey, you hurt me so. You mean I can't be the cutie-pie femboy boyfriend I was always meant to be?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not gay, Richtofen! I'm not even bi!"

"Not even a little bit bi?"

"Nope," Dempsey confirmed instantaneously. "I like girls. By the way, Treyarch, **I'd also love it if this fucking teleporter would work so I can get away from this psycho!** "

"They will not hear your complaints, Dempshey. Believe me, I've tried."

"Well, you get the idea," Dempsey stated with a nod. Then, he sighed. "If only PhD was on this map, then I could just dive on out of here and pretend we never had this conversation."

Richtofen swung a dangling leg back and forth. It wasn't his own leg, but rather a severed leg from one of the many zombies he had killed since they first arrived at the theater. "So, back to our riveting conversation, Dempshey. . . What _is_ a hot chick to you, anyway?"

Dempsey scrunched up his face. "Promise me you won't try to genetically engineer me a girlfriend if I tell you, OK?"

Richtofen giggled just a bit. "No, I hate you too much to make you happy. Now, were you Nikolai, _maybe_ , but only so I could watch him paint the walls with her blood! He's got quite the track record with bad relationships if you weren't aware."

Dempsey raised his hands in mock surrender. "Alright, alright," he stated defeatedly, then stroked his chin in thought. "Hmm, I guess a girl with big tits and a kick-ass attitude! Oh, and make her blonde!" Dempsey's eyes narrowed as he found himself embracing a fantasy. At least, he _thought_ it might be a fantasy; his memory was still too clouded to determine what his pre-zombie-killing days were like."

Richtofen snapped his fingers loudly and repeatedly. "Stop shtaring off into shpace, American! It's pathetic."

Dempsey shook his head rapidly and joined Richtofen back in reality. "Ugh, so what are you getting at here anyway, doc?"

"Oh, I'm not getting at anything, Dempshey," Richtofen stated with an air of innocence, likely fake. "I was just, how you say, making small talk. I just have one more question: Do you like anime girls?"

"What the fuck is an Annie May girl?" Dempsey questioned.

Richtofen shrugged. "Well, it's an acquired taste. Forget I said anything."

At last, that familiar electrical glow returned, warning the pair of imminent teleportation.

"Finally!" Dempsey exclaimed with sincere excitement. "Let's get back to killing freaksacks again, eh Doc?"

"Ja, ja," Richtofen lazily agreed, his face contorted in a pensive expression. Dempsey failed to notice what Richtofen was lost in thought about before the two were warped back to the lobby. A horde of zombies hungrily charged toward them, and the battle was on on once more.

Some hours of zombie-slaying action later, night fell on the city of Berlin. Dempsey, who had taken watch the previous night and was exhausted from a long day of zombie-killing, had already curled up against the stage wall and fallen asleep.

Nikolai took a deep swig from his vodka-filled flask and belched. "Are you sure I have to take watch tonight, Doctor?" he questioned with some degree of longing. "Nikolai could do with nice nap."

Richtofen buried his head in his hands and groaned. "For the last time, Nikolai, ja. Dempshey is tired, I took watch the night before him, and Takeo is out on a secret assignment. It is paramount to our survival and success!"

It wasn't really, but what Nikolai didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

"So make Takeo take watch when he comes back," Nikolai weakly demanded. The pair were sitting on the stairs in the foyer, and Nikolai gestured lazily to the Speed Cola vending machine. "Make him drink that sugary mess and he will be up all night, like fifth wife after drinking eight cup of black coffee."

Richtofen's frown deepened. "I told you already, Nikolai: You're just going to have to suck it up, OK?"

Nikolai seemed genuinely offended. "What if Nikolai says no?"

"You'll get to drink vodka all niiiiiggggghhhhhhhhtttttt," Richtofen sing-songed.

That changed Nikolai's tune in a heartbeat. "Hey, this is great idea! Nikolai will be alert like Stalingrad sniper!"

"Good," Richtofen stated flatly. He rose just as a crawler entered from the dressing room. Richtofen pointed at it. "That is Friedrich. Take good care of him tonight, OK? I want to harvest his heart for breakfast!"

"Da!" Nikolai drunkenly tried to salute. It was less than perfect, but so was he.

With that, Ricthofen marched out of the room and walked all the way down to the alleyway. He lit a cigarette and waited patiently. Unbeknownst to Nikolai, Richtofen was just as willing to wait all night if he had too. However, it was good to let the Russian build up a little discipline. Besides, given the way communists always boasted about equality, it was time for them to put their money where their mouth was.

Luckily for Richtofen, he didn't have to wait too long. Takeo soon emerged, carrying a long, slender, and white object in his grip. He looked less-than-pleased.

"Did you really have to send me back out to get, er, whatever this thing is?" he demanded sternly before shoving the object into Richtofen's hands.

Richtofen merely chuckled. "I'm afraid I had to, Takeo. It's an important step toward the Easter Egg and such, yadda yadda yadda. You know how convoluted Treyarch is, ja?"

Takeo seemed to ignore him, instead shuffling further down the alley, past Double Tap Root Beer, and toward the AK74u wallbuy. "Whatever. Takeo is getting some shut-eye now, OK?"

As soon as Takeo was out of sight, Richtofen unwrapped the white object and held it out in front of him. A wickedly evil grin stretched across his face as he locked eyes with an anime bodypillow. The form of a large-breasted, blonde-haired anime girl stared back at him. It was the perfect gift for Dempsey, the perfect gift to humiliate him. And so, with silence and incredible patience, Richtofen crept all the way back to the stage and discovered Dempsey's sleeping body lying against the M16 chalk outline. He was cradling the Thundergun in his hands as though it was his lover. With careful precision, Richtofen slowly slid the Thundergun out of Dempsey's not-quite-tight-enough grip, then replaced it with the anime bodypillow. He then slid the Thundergun to the other side of Dempsey's body. He may be a murderous sociopath, but stealing? That was just a step too far!

What wasn't too far, however, was Richtofen taking out a camera to snap pictures of Dempsey snuggling comfortably against his new 'companion'. All the while, he quietly snickered.

"Have a good night, Dempshey," Richtofen remarked as he stepped away, pleased as punch with his little prank. "Have a good night indeed."


End file.
